Gratitude

I've been thinking a lot lately about gratitude, and expressing it. I'm on my critical care rotation, and I'm getting accustomed to watching patients die. That doesn't bother me as you'd expect - I'm learning that to a point there's only so much we can do for a person, and past the best we can do is a realm where they either live or they don't. It's not up to us.

I don't feel guilt for those lives because I know we've done everything we can. I'm sad, and I regret that they die, but I understand that it was not because of something we did or didn't do. On my first day my preceptor told me that I would have to get used to watching patients die, and that I would have to be able to handle it. I'm glad he gave me that warning, and I think I've been handling it well so far.


I've watched an organ harvest, and absorbed the fact that five people minimum will lead new lives because a 22 year old died (admittedly, there was a lot of crying and some alcohol involved in coming to terms with this). I've watched patients die, surrounded by family members who had the chance to say goodbye. I've watched patients die without lasting long enough for family to reach them to say their farewells. I've watched patients everyone was sure were done for recover, and leave the ICU. This has been the most intense, fast-paced experience I've yet had.

It's been an especially hard rotation emotionally for me. I'm learning a great deal and I'm grateful every day for the opportunities I've been given. I'm able to see critically ill patients and I'm able to help them get better. But I'm also encountering situations where nothing we can do will help. It's been difficult to come to terms with this, but I'm learning.

All I can feel at this point is an overwhelming gratitude for everything I have. For parents willing to sacrifice enough to give me the opportunity to get out of school debt free. For the fantastic friends I have, and the friends I've made here in Reno. For the chance to become friends with musicians I admire and respect, and for the chance to be helped through a vulnerable place by these same friends.

I'm grateful for the opportunities I've gotten for coming here for this last year of school, and for the fact that I'm happier now than I have been in three years. It's been a real struggle up to this point, because of the overwhelming pressure and depression I've been pushing through for the last three years. I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life and I'm truly, honestly, happy.

I'm grateful for the help and guidance of my professors and mentors, who spent countless hours helping me prepare for my residency applications - and for the burgeoning results of those applications. I have a decent shot at my dream job next year, and it's thanks to the efforts of those who support me.

I know this isn't a fun or funny post, but I've had this on my mind for a while, and wanted to get it out there. More accordion madness will be forthcoming.