Friday, January 20, 2012

Defeat

In which I am downtrodden, overly dramatic, and am probably going to die old, alone, and a retail pharmacist. Yes, it's directly related to my inability to make a sweater that fits.

It's taken me a few months to come to terms with the horrible, horrible drama that enfolded after I finished the doom sweater. This doom sweater.


After months and months of moss stitch hell, I discovered that though I had checked my gauge time and time again and measured each piece as carefully as possible, the sweater was still big enough to be an overcoat instead of a lovely fitted jacket.


I desperately turned to more experienced knitters, hoping there was some way to beat this damned sweater.


I got two answers.


"Well, you could probably surge this and try to make it fit, but every time I've done that the whole thing warped and was pretty much ruined."


Or, the much, much worse:


"I'd put it in a closet until you gain enough weight to wear it the way you want. Because as soon as you hit 30, you will."


As true as that second statement may yet prove to be, I didn't spent close to two years on this monster to hide it in a closet until it fits. Against the advice of pretty much every knitter I know, I ripped the bastard out.


And now it waits, lurking in the depths of my cedar chest until I have the courage to face its horrors again. I'm half convinced that every time I open it I'll get sucked through a portal to a hellish alternate dimension, filled with black cotton yarn and moss stitch. Trapped in a nightmare of never-ending sleeves. I'm well aware that it wasn't the fault of the sleeves that the sweater didn't fit,  but they're the part that broke my needle and my soul.


After this life-ruining event, I swore a pact against sleeves. Fie on sweaters with sleeves, I thought, as I gleefully ran my fingers over my balls of Noro for two tunic sweaters. I'll defeat the goddamn things by never knitting one again!

This plan proved no more effective. The first sweater I worked on stabbed me in the back just as I was finishing it. The pattern lied. Brutally - I was three balls of yarn short, and had to go on a horrific internet hunt for the right dye lot.

Of course, the yarn color had been discontinued for years. I ended up on the seedy underbelly of the online knitting community, clandestine trench-coated meetings in dark alleyways and all. I'm honestly shocked I don't have hepatitis. And still have both kidneys.


I ended up getting the yarn, and am nearly done with the hood. I've been waylaid, however, by the need for armwarmers now that Reno's temperature has finally dropped into a reasonable level of cold for winter. I made a pair three years ago and somehow in my many apartment changes have misplaced one. I was nambying about, avoiding making another to match, when I saw these.

Adorable, no? As I don't have $39 and know how to knit, I'm going to try making them myself. Probably before I tackle any more soul-sucking sweater nonsense.


Don't you dare point out that armwarmers are a lot like sleeves, because I will have to end you.

7 comments:

  1. Hey, hey Kirstin. Armwarmers are a lot like sleeves. >:D

    I'm sorry your sweater knitting experiences have been so horrid. This is obviously why the only clothing I've ever made has been scarves. You can't really go wrong with a scarf.

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  2. Your life is forfeit. I demand VENGEANCE.

    I can, and have, gone horribly wrong with crocheted scarves. It was pretty traumatic. I'm not sure I can talk about it.

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    1. Dude, when I was making that stupid Code Geass jacket I had to sew, seam rip, and re-sewn my sleeve NINE TIMES. It exempts me from this vengeance simply because I UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN.

      You had a crocheted scarf disaster. This is sad. Crocheted scarves are easy. :P

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  3. "...as I gleefully ran my fingers over my balls..."

    I'm sorry your sweater monster is a sweater monster of doom.
    Perhaps you should have used fire.
    I hear that's super effective against monsters of the [Crafts] type.
    Less effective against the [Arts &] Subtype, so if it happened to have that little kicker, I'd recommend acid.

    Also, you are so not allowed to die alone, I will so knife you if you do it. Old is good I think, maybe. And we all know how much of a joke it would be to think you would be a retail pharmacist for long.

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    Replies
    1. I should have known that statement would end poorly. Eh, too lazy to change it.

      It definitely was more a monster of [Crafts] than [Art].

      The dying alone will happen because these sweaters are going to murder me. And then I'll be eaten by centipedes.

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    2. Well, tell those sweaters that you are simply not allowed. If they murder you, they will have to answer to me and my sweater-destructive habits.
      Nothing I can do about the centipedes.
      Those are just evil.

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  4. I too have been in your shoes only it wasn't a sweater it was a shrug and I frogged that thing like it was nobody's business. The beautiful green yarn I bought sits in my yarn trunk. Can't bring myself to do it again just yet. I also had issues with crocheting scarves but with lots and lots practice(and cursing, and ripped out stitches)I finally figured it out.

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