Gratitude

I've been thinking a lot lately about gratitude, and expressing it. I'm on my critical care rotation, and I'm getting accustomed to watching patients die. That doesn't bother me as you'd expect - I'm learning that to a point there's only so much we can do for a person, and past the best we can do is a realm where they either live or they don't. It's not up to us.

I don't feel guilt for those lives because I know we've done everything we can. I'm sad, and I regret that they die, but I understand that it was not because of something we did or didn't do. On my first day my preceptor told me that I would have to get used to watching patients die, and that I would have to be able to handle it. I'm glad he gave me that warning, and I think I've been handling it well so far.


I've watched an organ harvest, and absorbed the fact that five people minimum will lead new lives because a 22 year old died (admittedly, there was a lot of crying and some alcohol involved in coming to terms with this). I've watched patients die, surrounded by family members who had the chance to say goodbye. I've watched patients die without lasting long enough for family to reach them to say their farewells. I've watched patients everyone was sure were done for recover, and leave the ICU. This has been the most intense, fast-paced experience I've yet had.

It's been an especially hard rotation emotionally for me. I'm learning a great deal and I'm grateful every day for the opportunities I've been given. I'm able to see critically ill patients and I'm able to help them get better. But I'm also encountering situations where nothing we can do will help. It's been difficult to come to terms with this, but I'm learning.

All I can feel at this point is an overwhelming gratitude for everything I have. For parents willing to sacrifice enough to give me the opportunity to get out of school debt free. For the fantastic friends I have, and the friends I've made here in Reno. For the chance to become friends with musicians I admire and respect, and for the chance to be helped through a vulnerable place by these same friends.

I'm grateful for the opportunities I've gotten for coming here for this last year of school, and for the fact that I'm happier now than I have been in three years. It's been a real struggle up to this point, because of the overwhelming pressure and depression I've been pushing through for the last three years. I feel like this is where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life and I'm truly, honestly, happy.

I'm grateful for the help and guidance of my professors and mentors, who spent countless hours helping me prepare for my residency applications - and for the burgeoning results of those applications. I have a decent shot at my dream job next year, and it's thanks to the efforts of those who support me.

I know this isn't a fun or funny post, but I've had this on my mind for a while, and wanted to get it out there. More accordion madness will be forthcoming.

Benvolio Returns!

Earlier this year my delightful accordion Benvolio tried to kill himself. I was able to get him repaired thanks to the magical musicare man in Idaho Falls, and got to bring Benvolio home when I returned to Reno after Christmas.

Then Cassidy and I discovered that the two teen boys who live below us are incredibly loud. Yelling loud. Wrestling loud. Screaming obscenities at 11 p.m. when we're trying to study loud. Usually we keep quiet and put up with it, even when their music throbs so hard the flowers on the table shake.

Until today.

Today, those little bastards got a taste of what the next few months will be like.




Oh yes, there will actually be accordion videos on this accordion themed blog. Pretend the last one I posted wasn't two years ago.

I spent a good hour and a half practicing Benvolio (after half an hour of squeaky clarinet) and had to replay that a good fifteen times.

Then I decided to attempt recording Spanish Ladies - motivated by the fact that whenever I pull out the accordion my father demands that I play it. I have this book of sea chanteys, and while it is wonderful and full of interesting information, there are no chords. Therefore it takes me far longer to figure out what chords to use than how to play the melodies.








I must have played this, and nothing but this, for twenty minutes.


Those two are not prepared for the accordion-ing.



Yes, I know I made a bunch of mistakes and it doesn't sound very good, but this is a PROCESS.

Cathulhu

In which I indulge Sarah and make a post about the delightful Cathulhu.


This is Cathulhu:

Disgustingly adorable, right?

It's an amiguri, or crocheted doll. Sarah made him for me as a birthday present, and I do believe it's one of the more fabulous things I own. I mean, really - it's a kitty and an Elder One, what possible better combination could there be?

Going on an adventure with the dino lamp.

Sarah was awesome enough to come up with a newish combined pattern for him modeled after another, complete with wings. And a collar. She also makes a lot of other exciting things which you can see here or here. Oh my god, that post on her teaching me to crochet was from October.

Is that craftsmanship, or what?

 
I'm rather hopeless. One needle is way more confusing than two, and I end up doing the stitches all wrong. I have a pattern for zodiac creatures, and ideally I'd have something to show for the *ahem* few months I've been working on a dragon but . . . nothing.


Don't judge me, I've been busy.



Sort of.